My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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