he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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