I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
