Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
