my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
