This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
