Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
