at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
