Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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