it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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