cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
