I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
