I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
