Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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