I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize