Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
