i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
