Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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