Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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