Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize