just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
