I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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