I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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