tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
