she was so not down for the gang bang
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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