I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
