Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
