We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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