Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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