the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
