this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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