I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
