Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
