Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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