she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
