Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize