Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
