i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
