so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
