I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
