is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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