I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
