When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The struggles of a small town man whore
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
