Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
