i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
