Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
