I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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