my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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