I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
