im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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