I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
