i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
