I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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