Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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