I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i dont even know how to be here
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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