my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
