Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
