Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My vagina just recognized that song.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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