Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize