Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
