I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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