I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
