You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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