This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
